What makes a home crunchy? There are many ways this question could be answered, many variables you could consider. However there is one sure-fire, fool-proof method to go by:
The first thing that will happen in your home, as your wife gains access to the Internet and joins Pinterest boards about natural products, you’ll find that pretty soon your house will have a new smell, and this is what it will smell like:
You house will be scent-free. Dryer sheets? Gone. Wick Air Freshener Plug-ins? Banned. Your ability to walk down the detergent aisle at Walmart without suffocating on fumes? Seriously hindered.
But don’t worry, your house won’t smell like nothing forever. Your wife is just cleansing your nasal pallet so that she might lay down some new, new smells on your face.
New Smells (in order of estimated arrival):
#1 The Tang of the Cloth Diaper Bin
As you know, I am of the opinion that cloth diapers are the vanguard of the crunchy army, poised to overtake your home (see post No. 2!). Nothing is more memorable than the puff of sweaty urine cakes that burst upon you as you attempt to add another soaked clump to the bin in the middle of the night.
Heaven forbid you can’t get the bin lid closed (too many diapers) and have to actually remove the bag with it’s dangerously pooled contents sloshing about (visibly!) at the bottom. Not a task for the sleep deprived, but therein lies the cruel irony…
#2 The Yeasty Must of…uh, Yeast
Not all crunchy smells are bad, like the smell of freshly baked bread! This smell is usually a win, once it’s actually converted into bread. The pre-bread form of dough, usually sour dough, doesn’t smell that great.
But again, after the cloth diapers, you’re loving the yeasty goodness of your home!
#3 The Soul-Scaring Stench of Bone Broth
Ah bone broth…so tasty when it’s in soup form, but the process of acquiring said broth involves a wicked alchemy, one that probably explains all of those witch burnings back in the day. Thankfully this smell comes in two flavors, chicken & beef. Chicken is worth it, you can beast-up and deal with the smell.
The beef bone broth is not worth it. Who will be there to taste the beef broth soup after all have ended their lives to make the smelling stop??
#4 The Flavorful Potency of Essential Oils
The last scent-stage in your more advanced crunchy home is that of essential oils. These are normal oils with normal scents that have been boiled down into an abnormal potency with irrationally strong smells. I have written about these before.
The positive side of this is once your wife begins to employ them, you’ll never smell anything else ever again. You’ll be pulling the diaper bin bag out with your teeth. All of the sourdough bread you eat will taste like lavender oil. Even the scent of a chicken bone brothing won’t overcome the LASERS of smell that will be beaming up your olfactory passages.
YOU: “I didn’t even get to ask it!”
ME: “Don’t even ask, the answer is no.”
YOU: “What about beef bone broth?”
YOU: “…can essential oils protect me from the smell of boiling beef bones?”
ME: “I SAID NO!”
YOU: “I might need to test that out for myself…”
ME: (sigh) “I will miss you.”