No. 113 – The Upside to Injury, Part Two*

*This post is a sequel, you should probably read the original Upside to Injury first.

Eventually, people find out.

About this blog I mean.

And by people I mean people we know personally, that we know in real life.

How do they find out, you ask?

Usually it begins with them politely coughing into their hand, hitting their head, mentioning a recent heart attack, something like that, then my wife’s healing instincts kick in, and then some (or all) of the following happens:

  • Battery of Questions – “Does your headache feel wet or dry?…”
  • Visual Assessment – “You seem like a Chaloric type…”
  • Nutritional Survey – “Does your gut like flax seed? You haven’t asked??”
  • Shotgun of Remedies – “Do you want to do it or should I just dump it in your mouth?”
  • Simultaneous Educational Seminar – (while pouring) “Don’t worry, this won’t have any drug interactions…as long as you’re grounded. You DO have an earthing pad, right?”
  • Take-Home Ziplock – “I’ve written detailed instructions on the bottles.”
  • Follow-Up Email – “Here are those documentaries I mentioned. Don’t wait to watch the Truth About Corn. The government keeps taking it down and we don’t know how much longer it’ll be available.”

And THEN, if I happen to be nearby while any or all of this is happening, I usually get a look from the unfortunate soul that has fallen into this crunchy vortex. Raised eyebrows, that sort of thing. Depending on the person it ranges from ‘Impressed’ to ‘Concerned’.

Usually a little of both.

And THEN, usually, it comes out that I write blog about what they’re experiencing, the crunchy force of nature that I am married to. And a link to this blog is helpfully provided.

In the “Follow-Up Email”.

Next to the link for the Truth About Meat documentary.

So everyone finds out in the end, not because I go blabbing about it, but because my wife can’t help but try and heal everyone around her that shows the slightest symptom of anything.

And then invariably, the next time she interacts with them and I happen to be there, I get: “Hey, this could go into your blog, right?” This happens

all

the

time.

And while you might think that that would potentially provide me with an endless supply of ideas for posts, sadly, most often the answer is no.

No, this cannot go into the blog, and the reason is simple: It probably won’t be funny.

It won’t be because it’s not happening to me, the husband / author. What is funny happening to ME, sounds totally not funny (and perhaps even mildly illegal) if I was writing it about anyone else. For example, compare A & B below:*

A. “My wife slapped the GMO bacon out of the hands of the woman at the grocery store, who then ran crying into the parking-lot. The police were called, but she didn’t press charges.”

B. “My wife slapped the GMO bacon out of my hands, and I ran crying into the parking-lot. The police were called, but I didn’t press charges.”

*Both made up examples.

You see? Not funny, even mildly illegal-sounding when it happens to someone else, yet potentially hilarious when it happens to me. I say potentially because made up examples are never funny, they’re not violating enough.

Same reason why it’s not funny if it’s happening to someone else, it’s actually TOO violating.

(This is all according to the Benign-Violation theory of what people find funny, which is a brilliant and probably accurate description of the world of humor. If you don’t know what this is you should look it up, it’s brilliant.)

So you see, other people’s encounters with my wife are mostly off-limits, meaning most of the material I create has to be personal in nature. It has to be me. And herein comes the ugly truth…

Way back I wrote a post about how there’s an ‘upside’ to every injury we encounter because then my wife gets to heal people, every minor sickness and hurt being an opportunity to ply her crunchy skills upon their persons.

But what I never talked about in that post was how there is also an upside to injury for me. I am always on the lookout for ideas to write about, the reality is I used up YEARS of ideas in the first year of writing, and it was pretty slim pickings sometimes in the second year. So at this point the upside to all of this is that each time my wife does something ‘bad’ to me, we both know that secretly I am thinking about what a great blog post this will make, a fact that she is, unfortunately, aware of and has been known to leverage:

WIFE: “I need to take a core tissue sample out of your right thigh.”

ME: “Yikes…is that necessary?”

WIFE: “Well, we need to find out what’s going on with your blood pressure and the most accurate way is to send monthly core samples to this guy in Mexico.”

ME: “Mexico?…”

WIFE: “Yes.”

ME: “Will I bleed much?”

WIFE: (beaming) “Oh yes.”

ME: (frowning)

WIFE: “But think of the potential post you’ll be able to write, for your bloggy-thingy!”

ME: “…I guess.” (protectively clutching thighs)

WIFE: “That’s the spirit!”*

NEXT TIME, ON THE CRUNCHY DUNGEON:

No. 114 – The Truth About Thigh-Samples

 

*Obviously made up dialog.

Seriously people.