If you don’t know what Pokémon GO is, it’s probably because you’ve been living in a cave. A cave that likely doesn’t have a Zubat (TM) in it. Unless you’ve noticed a whole bunch of sweaty people invading your cave lately, holding out smartphones. Then maybe you do have a Zubat (TM) roommate.
YOU: “I don’t know what a Zubat (TM) is, stop saying made-up words.”
ME: “My apologies, this article isn’t for you. Click away as fast as you can.”
I SAID CLICK AWAY, STOP SCROLLING!
OK, to the the folks who knew all along what I was talking about (or who can’t seem to stop scrolling down despite my repeated warnings):
While no one has actually died (yet) playing Pokémon GO, it is almost certain to happen eventually, and we don’t want it to be one of our readers! We can’t have you running into the street to capture a Shuppet (TM) and getting hit by a bus because you’re not watching where you’re going.
So read-on young Pocket Monster Player:
10 PLACES YOU SHOULD NEVER PLAY POKÉMON GO!
1 – The Grand Canyon – We went to the Grand Canyon with our kids a couple of years ago and I would highly recommend not going there with little kids, or at least not without bringing adult diapers as we were pretty much soiling ourselves the entire time watching our kids walk within 5 or 4 or 3 feet of certain death for several hours. I have never seen so many people put themselves in mortal danger for a selfie in my life. Already about 12 people a year fall in (and die like 100% of the time). If Nintendo would like to add a few zeros to that number, all they have to do is sprinkle a rare Pokémon or two around the edge and wait for the lawsuits to come rolling in.
2 – Active Combat Zones – I’ve never been in war myself, but my understanding is that it’s hours and days of total boredom followed by brief periods of intense action. Candy Crush has helped to alleviate some measure of this boredom but then you can play that in the relative safety of the latrine. Pokémon GO has you out and about, away from the protection of cover. And you seriously have to consider the possibility that that Snorlax (TM) could have been placed by enemy hackers, as bait in a potential ambush position.
3 – On a Date – Let’s get real for a moment: Girls like playing video games too, but not all are fans of a game that was originally designed for children. Grown ups can play, but they need to also be socially responsibly people (or at least be able to pretend to be during the dating phase). Optional – Hum a few bars of the Pokémon theme song while ordering drinks, if she joins in then take it to the next level: “I heard there was a rare Pokémon at a coffee shop near here, you want to hit that up after dinner and check it out?”
4 – Your Wedding Day – Assuming she said yes to coffee, and then marriage (let’s face it, you were made for each other) make sure to avoid playing for at least on the big day, unless you can get WRITTEN PERMISSION from her no less than 48 hours beforehand. Optional – Romantically tear that contract up at the altar: “I love you more than Pokémon.” (everyone cries)
But it’s wrong (and possibly illegal?) to lie at your wedding so…
5 – At the Birth of Your Children – You’ve started a family, congrats! It’s OK to bring your phone to the hospital, but only to take pictures of the new baby. This isn’t the 1950’s anymore, you’re expected to be there: holding her hand and reminding her to breathe. If you leave your wife to labor alone while you roam the halls for that last rare Lugia (TM) you’ll probably come back only to discover that your wife has named your child Magby* (TM) instead of the agreed upon Larvitar (TM)!
*Ultimately to be named Magmar at age 12 and Torkoal at 18.
6 – At Work – Your boss comes in to work only to find you in his office:
BOSS: “What you are you doing in here??”
YOU: “There’s a Rayquaza (TM) in here!”
BOSS: “I don’t listen to your rap music! If I catch you in here again, you’re fired!”
YOU: (muttering to Rayquaza) “…not if I can catch you first…”
7 – Public Pools – Yes, yes, I know a Wingull (TM) was reported to be at the YMCA, but they’re pretty strict about not having people point cameras around in there. Unless you wanted to end up on the registered sex offenders list I would let that one go.
8 – Traffic Court – That Grimer (TM) behind the bailiff? Not worth it. Especially if you’re in the middle of trying to explain that the reason you had your phone in your hand when you were driving was because you had spotted an Abra (TM) on the sidewalk and you had a bet going with Steve that you could find one before he did and if he beat you to it you’d end up shaving your head for charity but you’ve been out of work for a while and pretty broke and if you have to pay this fine it’s going to mean community service and do you have any places you can serve those out near water?
Like at the YMCA?
9 – When Setting Fires – Don’t have any active volcanoes near your house? Sad, I know. But don’t think for a second that setting a fire of any size is going to cause a Charmander (TM) to spontaneously spawn.
OK well maybe if you set a big enough fire it would get into the news, and maybe some executive at Nintendo would have pity on you, but then it might just be easier to kidnap said executive and hold them hostage for ALL OF THE POKÉMON!
10 – The White House Lawn – Headed to D.C. to make a public apology for the international embarrassment your little Japanese kidnapping stunt caused? Spot a Ho-Oh (TM) just beyond the fence of the White House lawn?
FYI – Smart phones look a lot like detonators and those Secret Service guys on the roof?
They don’t miss.
NEXT TIME, ON THE CRUNCHY DUNGEON:
Ah, the joys of global domination! Your dominion now reaches around the globe, won by your faithful armies, which marched to the very ends of the earth, only to circle around again, and then perhaps a third time for good measure, each time conquering right back up to your front door, interrupting your breakfast.
DISCLAIMER – Pokémon, Pokémon Go, and all names and images above are the property of Nintendo. Used without permission.
Please don’t sue.