No. 94 – The Shotgun Approach

It’s that time of year. Many a wife and mother look at their calendar and whisper to themselves “Winter is coming…”

Clueless husbands assume a G.O.T. cultural reference and pay it no heed. Fools!

Back in the day we would come home from the vast bacterial exchange of the world, hosts to horrors that, if fully grasped, would probably have lead to quarantine protocols nine months of the year. But we’d ignore the signs, and instead incur the due penalty of our fraternization.

And while the young bodies of our children shook off the worst of the pestilence in a matter of days, our old and damaged bodies were unequal to the task. They would take all the longer to recover…and then usually only just in time to take care of the kids as they begin round two.

And so the cycle would repeat, over and over until Spring came and the sun (and vitamin D?) finally beat back the darkness.

At least that used to be our experience…

Today my wife seems to take personal offense to flu season. She begins researching in July, restocking in August, and by September her arsenal of remedies is formidable, ready for anything, short a zombie apocalypse.*

And then, like a trigger-happy war general, the moment one of us shows the slightest symptom of anything, she shotguns us in the face (literally sometimes) with a host of remedies.

For example, here is my wife’s mix and match recipe for destroying cold & sore throat, something I was subjected to this past week…

WIFE’S SHOTGUN RECIPE: (Not made up)

Double dose of Probiotics & vitamin D

2000mg of Vitamin C (hourly)

Homemade Tincture of Homeopathic Hepar Sulph 200c & Sanguinaria 200c

Wellness Brand Colloidal Silver Throat Spray

Homemade Tincture of Homeopathic Merc. Sol. 30c & Belladonna 6c

Hyland’s Bioplasma (a combination of all 12 of Schuessler’s Cell Salts)

TriLight Health Brand Lungs Plus Herbal Tonic

Home-Brewed Elderberry Extract

Cold & Flu Essential Oil Roller Ball

Trilight Health Lympha rub

And whatever this is…

IMG_3101And you’re thinking to yourself, “I think some of those words are actually poison…”

And you would be right, except they’re homeopathic, so it’s like, the opposite.

But still.

Anyway…I shouldn’t complain. I went all last year without ever really getting sick, the diseases just didn’t have a chance, not with my wife double-tapping all of them just to make sure they stayed down.**

My wife is like some sort of disease Rambo.

*Sorry.

**Zombie reference #2, sorry again.

 

NEXT WEEK, ON THE CRUNCHY DUNGEON:

Right now, as I type this on my laptop, sitting at my desk, my forearms are literally grounded to the earth…