AUTHOR’S NOTE – What follows is some content from a webpage I created years ago listing everything I thought could be useful in a zombie apocalypse that you could buy from Amazon.com, along with extensive commentary. The webpage is no longer available online, but in honor of the new Fear the Walking Dead show that my wife and are watching (and in anticipation of Season 6 of The Walking Dead, very excite!) I am reprinting it here.
For your enjoyment.
ECONOMY GUY LIST
Don’t have a lot of green to spend on preparations? Here’s where to start…
1. The Zombie Survival Guide – Knowledge is power. Get it, read it, memorize it. In the middle of a zombie apocalypse, no one ever says to their buddy, “Man, I know TOO MUCH about Zombies.”
2. Gerber Bear Brylls Survival Series Parang – Light, deadly, if you can’t afford to to get one for each hand then you probably won’t make it and should quit now. Return the book.
3. Smith’s PP1 Pocket Pal Multifunction Sharpener – Fresh Zombie meat isn’t as supple as the ones who have been on the shelf a while…keep those blades sharp. (If you are struggling to grasp the plural form of ‘blade’ then go back up and re-read item two.)
4. Damascus FlexForce Modular Hard Shell Full Body Crowd Control System – I know, you’re thinking, “I thought this was the economy part of the list…” Yeah well, let’s be realistic. Surviving a zombie apocalypse isn’t going to be free. You ever try and bite through Kevlar? Exactly. Use your credit card.
5. Camelbak Lobo Hydration Pack – Ever try killing someone with a machete? Even just one person? Imagine slashing your way through a whole horde of twisting bodies. In full body armor. In the summer. Yeah, you’ll be thirsty, thirsty and thankful that you’re just a bite-valve away from 100 oz of virus-free water.
6. MSR MiniWorks EX Microfilter – Well…you’re pretty sure that water is virus-free. Just to be safe. The last thing we need is a well-hydrated, body-armor clad, dual-machete-wielding zombie. Not one who has the whole book memorized…that would be a nightmare.
7. Prophecy 80 Pound Self-cocking Pistol Crossbow with Cobra System Limb – So probably by now you’ve maxed out your mom’s credit card…but if there’s still about $40 in there, this would be an extremely valuable addition. While your neighbors will be fruitlessly throwing their empty pistols at the oncoming mass, you will be able to reload as many times as you can fish a dart out of a brain-stem. Self-cocking!
SERIOUS GUY LIST
Ready to get serious?
+UPDATE – This has been updated and published on Amazon Kindle! You can find it here.
YOU: “Wait, what? I gotta pay for this now?”
ME: “Organic food is expensive, bro…but no, you don’t.”
If you SIGN UP HERE for the book club you can get word of when stuff (like this) goes up for free on Amazon.
(Or if you’re a Kindle Owner you can grab it for free as a part of the kindle owner lending library or whatever it’s called. Or if you are a Kindle Unlimited member (think Netflix for reading) you can read it free that way also.)
YOU: (grumbling) “I knew I should have read this when it was free…”
ME: “It’s still (sometimes) free! You just need to sign up here to find out when.”
NEXT WEEK, ON THE CRUNCHY DUNGEON: