No. 89 – My Wife, the Search Engine

So my wife knows a lot of stuff. And as a result, a lot of people depend on my wife for information and advice. And as a result of that, she sometimes acts like a personal Google…or Siri maybe…for a lot of people. Like mainly for when they have medical or diet issues and want to know what their alternative medicine alternatives are.

I’ve described before how this happens when you’re with her in person, here and here.

But it’s a whole other ball game when the phone is involved, like she’s a Crunchy Hot-line or something.

1-800-ASK-MY-WIFE-A-WHOLE-BUNCH-OF-QUESTIONS

This is usually how it goes down:

ME: “So I’ve been rethinking our life plan, maybe we should keep having kids, jut until we fill the bus, and then we could trave–”

(PING!)

ME: “Um…just so we could trave–”

WIFE: (staring at phone)

ME: “Are you listening?”

WIFE: (stands up) “Hang on…”

ME: “What? What is it?”

WIFE: “Dan’s kid has strep…”

ME: “OK?”

WIFE: “He’s wondering if there is any homeopathic thing he should be giving her, I need to just…I need to send him an article…just a minute.”

ME:

WIFE: (typing with fingertips on phone)

ME:

WIFE: (still typing)

ME:

WIFE: (still typing)

ME: “…um, so did you find that article?”

WIFE: “What? No I was just telling him that I was going to send him an article.”

ME: “Oh.”

WIFE: (typing)

ME: “So…all that typing, that’s not looking for the article?”

WIFE: “Well now (hitting send), now I’m looking for the article.”

ME:

WIFE: (typing on phone)

ME:

WIFE: “…ah…shoot. Where is that?…”

ME: “Can’t find it?”

WIFE: “I need to go look it up on the computer, this is taking too long on the phone…I can’t find the link I saw on Facebook, the mobile view shows you different stuff.”

ME: “Hm.”

WIFE: (leaves room)

ME: (sitting, alone)

(five minutes go by)

ME: “Did you find it?”

WIFE: (from other room) “What?”

ME: “Did you find the article?…”

WIFE: “Oh…no I didn’t but I found ANOTHER article, it’s fascinating…”

ME: “Cool, cool……so did you send it to Dan?”

WIFE: “Um…what? No, I was just reading it over to make sure it was good…”

ME: “Is it good?”

WIFE: “Yep.”

ME: “Are you sending it?”

WIFE: “Yep.”

ME: “…………………………are you coming back?”

WIFE: “Yes!”

(wife returns)

WIFE: “Sorry about that, she was in a lot of pain, their doctor wash pushing antibiotics but she doesn’t have her appendix anymore and she’s dairy intolerant so she can’t eat yogurt to replenish her flora, you understand.”

ME: “Oh yes, a conundrum…”

WIFE: “So! The bus…”

ME: “…right, yes well I was thinking then we could trave–

(PING!)

WIFE: “Oh! Hang on, he had already seen that article…he’s just…he just needs some…has a question…” (typing on phone)

ME: “…OK…”

(RING, RING!)

WIFE: “OK shoot, now Cheryl is calling, she was asking me about soaking grains…I need to take this.”

ME: (frowning)

WIFE: “Hi Cheryl…yes!  I do know…no, no it’s OK, it’s not too late. No, well I do need to, can you hang on one second? Dan’s daughter has strep, I just need to text him back real quick, do you mind?  So sorry, hang on…” (texting)

ME: (frowning more)

WIFE: “OK I’m back…let me just go to my office…” (leaves, closes door)

ME: (sitting in darkness, alone)

AUTHOR’S NOTE – This post is an extreme example of married life, and makes my wife seem inconsiderate. She is usually very considerate, though something like this may have happened. Once.

NEXT WEEK, ON THE CRUNCHY DUNGEON:

DR: “So you’re here because…”

ME: “I filled out the intake form.”

DR: “What?”

ME: “The fourteen page in-take form…the one that has me do a three-day food study and stool inspection.”