No. 78 – The Not-Organic Label Movement

If you’ve been with us for some time, you might remember that in order to quickly ramp up this blog with some content, I posted a series of ‘ads’ for the crunchy dungeon, most of them being full-color vintage images where the people are seen saying crunchy-things, some of which are very funny.

There is one in particular that I am thinking of now as I write this: a woman holding a shopping list who states that she no longer includes the word ‘organic’ before organic items on her list because ultimately, it’s implied, ALL of her items are organic.

Something being organic should just be assumed.

It shouldn’t require a label.

Now I understand why, due to modern farming practices, we have to actually have certifying bodies go out and check up on folks who are claiming to be farming ‘organically’ and then put a seal of approval on products at the store, so we the consumer can know which items have passed the test and which haven’t. I’m not suggesting we get rid of that system of inspection and labeling. We will probably never live in a world where that isn’t a good and necessary thing.

However it is starting to feel a little lame to have to have all of our products of choice decorated like a war general. Some of the stuff my wife brings home literally looks like this:

TOASTER POPS!

~ Non-GMO ~

~ Certified Organic ~

~ Certified Fair-Trade ~

~ Certified Cruelty-Free ~

~ No Artificial Colors ~

~ No Artificial Colors ~

~ Locally Sourced ~

Yes originally it was cool, the more labels and little seals of crunchy approval you had on your purchases, the better. Crunchy food companies and store brands would go OUT OF THEIR WAY to think up new, healthy and moral sounding things to Photoshop onto their product boxes.

(Bonus points if you put a Bible verse and / or have various religious / spiritual sounding certifications, e.g. kosher, halal, etc.)

But I think as organic food becomes more and more mainstream (organic cereal at WALMART?) we need to rethink this. Why is it fair that we have to have all the labels? After all, ALL food used to be organic. That’s how food started out: organic. And then the modern food companies changed all that and now we have to label food just to be sure that is isn’t somehow evil. Doesn’t it make more sense to just label the evil food? Let’s stop labeling some food as ‘good’ and just let it be ‘food.’ Just label evil food.  Can you imagine what that would look like?

[PRODUCT NAME REDACTED]

~ Genetically Modified Seedlessness Achieved using Sheep DNA ~

~ Grown using Toxic WWII Chemical Weapon Surpluses ~

~ Third-World Farmers Taken Advantage Of Economically for Profit~

~ Many, Many Animals were Abused and/or Maimed in production of this Food Stuffs ~

~ Loaded with Flavoring Agents known to Cause Cancer and ADHD ~

~ Loaded with Coloring Agents known to Cause Cancer and ADHD ~

~ Sourced Far, Far Away, using Enormous Amounts of Fossil Fuel  ~

Would you buy something that listed all that? Of course not, but then most North Americans do, every time they shop. Labeling food literally with what was done to it, all the stuff the certification would rule out, would change things very, very quickly.

In fact I’m probably risking assassination by posting this at all…they’ll find someone who looks near enough to my wife and have her dose me:

ME: “Ugh, my head hurts…”

ASSASSIN WIFE: “Here…head back, take these…there!”

Yeah I wouldn’t last long.

Seriously though, this should be a thing. It makes more sense to label modified food than unmodified food, food should just be food and then if people want to do stuff to it, make them put a label…

This should be a movement.

I’m sure Food Babe will get around to it…

 

NEXT WEEK, ON THE CRUNCHY DUNGEON:

ME: (on the phone) “OK so I found the bakery section, trying to read your list, what does this say?…Sprouted Sourdough?”

WIFE: (other end of the phone): “Yes, ask them if they have it sprouted.”

ME: “OK hang on…”