For those of you who know us personally, you may have observed from time to time, my wife dosing us with various remedies, in public, on the fly. Perhaps you yourself have been forced to accept “treatments” and “dosages” of oils, homeopathic dilutions, and/or herbal concoctions.
As I wrote about recently, my wife pretty much runs an apothecary.
What is probably weirdest though is when she tells us to open our mouths (and by us, I mean myself and the children and any other hapless soul who happens to be injured or ill within her sphere of awareness) and drops in items. This is done because they aren’t supposed to touch anything on the way in, just go right into our system, etc. To accomplish this you are opening wide and tilting back your head, sometimes also extending the tongue to catch the delightful little sugar or lactose balls that are endowed with the homeopathic imprint (electro-magnetic or whatever).
The final observed effect is very much like watching a mother bird feed her young chicks in the nest. After a while, you get used to doing it, and I no longer even question what it is that my wife is giving me. So pretty much anything my wife holds out to me, I open my mouth and eat, like a little baby bird…
So for example, if I’m in conversation with someone, like with another adult, and my wife holds her hand out toward my head with something in it, I simply cut off mid-sentence, tilt and open, accept whatever, and then go back to the conversation like nothing happened.
It has occurred to me that this might appear strange to people, particularly other people as I am talking with them, that all of this occurs in silence without any acknowledgement:
OTHER PERSON: “So when CERN fires up again this next year, they’re going to be running at as close to full power as they had originally intended!”
ME: “Yes! I know, I saw that the other day in Flipbook and am so– [accepting baby bird feeding of little white balls] -so excited to see what they discover this time around!”
OTHER PERSON: “Yes…(concerned eyebrows)…anyway, the Higgs Boson is just the start, hopefully…”
Yeah so maybe that comes off a bit weird.
It has ALSO occurred to me that if ever my wife wanted to poison me and collect the life insurance policy money, she would have any easy time of it. The worse I would feel, the more compliant I would become, taking whatever mix of pills, powders, and other poisons she poured down my ready throat…
*NOTE TO FUTURE READERS – If you are reading this and I am already dead, tell them to look for poison during the autopsy. Potentially untraceable…
NEXT WEEK, ON THE CRUNCHY DUNGEON: