No. 76 – Crunchy Snacks

As I’ve mentioned before, my wife sometimes goes to these ‘crunchy meetings’ where they discuss food and medicine and trade stuff (heirloom seeds, used cloth diapers, etc.) Unfortunately, as with most women’s groups, there is a little bit of [WARNING: Sexist comment approaching!] subconscious competition.

Yes, yes, but it’s true, you can’t deny it.

So you can only imagine how it plays out in these crunchy groups. You show up thinking you’re set bringing orange slices (organic!) on a plate as your socially required contribution to the snack table…until you actually stand on the stoop and, with finger hovering near the doorbell, you happen to spot the snack table in the window. It’s loaded with crunchy snacks that blow away your ‘hand-cut’ orange slices:

“Is that a gluten / soy / chocolate-free chocolate cake?…” you mutter to yourself. And you’re pretty sure the green stuff decorating on top is hand-foraged greens from the local woods…you realize with horror that the carbon footprint of hand-foraged greens is basically zero, especially if they walked to and from the woods…and kept breathing to a minimum.

“There’s carbon offsets for those online…” you whisper.

In the end, you dump your slices of shame in the rosebushes and brave the lesser scorn of bringing nothing, rather than bringing something so pedestrian.

NEXT TIME, you’ll make up for it. You’ll bring free-range meatless turducken, formed into little gluten-free pies.

That’ll show them…” you mutter.

Sort of a true story. My wife’s actual revenge snack?

Homemade sweet potato fries, fried in coconut oil.

And homemade kale chips.

In two flavors.

 

NEXT WEEK, ON THE CRUNCHY DUNGEON:

So pretty much anything my wife holds out to me I open my mouth and eat, like a little baby bird…

Without discrimination.