ME: “Do you have any carcasses?”
SHOP OWNER: “What kind?”
ME: “Oh…(squinting at list) chicken parts, turkey necks…lamb skin…stuff like that?”
SHOP OWNER: “What we have is over there.” (pointing a white, humming cooler)
ME: (Pawing through what’s there, muttering) “Quail parts…no…”
After a couple of minutes of looking, I return to the counter and slap down several bags of leftovers from mechanically separated birds.
SHOP OWNER: “That’s it?”
ME: “Yep. Um…some of the bags are leaking…blood…”
(We both look to the trail of blood I left on the white floor, leading from the cooler to the register counter. We both frown.)
The shop owner ends up re-bagging the offending turkey neck and I’m off before I can be enlisted to help mop up the bloody* linoleum.
*Apparently that red stuff that comes out of butchered meats isn’t blood, it’s something else…but everyone thinks it’s blood, and honestly, it’s red stuff, that comes out of killed things, so basically the same as blood.
In my book.
Why does my wife send me scouring the earth for dead animal bits? Because she needs them to boil her delicious, delicious bone-broths, that’s why. If you don’t know about the broths, for shame! You should probably read this.
It works out, because what you really need is the bones, tendons, cartilage, skin -all the really gross parts that no one wants to eat- so you can buy them super cheap, even organic, because they’re basically the leftovers from the butchering process. And you definitely want to get them organic because making broth from factory farmed animals is probably a recipe for cancer.
Availability can be a problem though. They’re not exactly a high-demand item for them to stock so they only have them once in a while. Also my wife keeps telling other people about it and so sometimes I’ll go and there’ll be nothing and then find out later that we were scooped by a friend:
ME: “CURSES! They’re all out of lamb skin…someone got here first!”
WIFE: “Ah, yes, [REDACTED] just posted their shopping trip on Facebook…shoot. They got all the skin…and the turkey necks!”
ME: (eyes bulging) “They had turkey necks and we MISSED them??”
WIFE: “No broth this week…”
75th post today, yeah!…only 25 more to a 100. Probably should do something cool for that…I’ll think about it.
NEXT WEEK, ON THE CRUNCHY DUNGEON:
So you can only imagine how it plays out in these crunchy groups, you show up thinking you’re set bringing orange-slices (organic!) on a plate as your socially required contribution to the snack table…