No. 70 – Crunchy Parenting

There are many different parenting styles and many different kinds of parents, but perhaps the most intense do-not-cross-me parents are Crunchy Parents.

Why is this?

Crunchy Parents, like all parents, just want what’s best for their children. However, unlike ‘normal’ parents, what’s best seems to include a great deal of counter-cultural ideas, like that corn-syrup may not be the best nutritional choice for 90% of their diet, or that brightly colored plastic is an unacceptable food storage material.

Normal Parent: “Billy, don’t eat all the Cheetos, leave some for your sisters!”

Crunchy Parent: “Wind, you stay away from those Cheetos, you hear me? They’re bad for you but, don’t mention that to Billy, that would be rude. But they are bad, cancer bad. And keep Myst out of them too please.”

Normal Parent: “Susan, where’s your Tupperware lunchbox? I told you not to leave it at the park!”

Crunchy Parent: “Blue Mountain, where is your bamboo sachet? Did you leave it at youth yoga again? Seriously. We need to up your baby gingko supplementation…”

Normal Parent: “Joseph, can you believe it? It’s BOGO on individually wrapped ‘American’ cheese slices if you buy a qualifying volume of SPAM tins!”

Crunchy Parent: “Tor, remember to twist quickly or the goat’s neck won’t break. You don’t want to hurt the goat’s spirit do you? That would be ungrateful, kiss the goat and then try again. There. Now drain the blood into this stone bowl, we’ll save that to make organic blood-cakes later. Now run along, you have an eight-page paper due for the homeschool symposium this weekend. Eight years old means eight pages, right?

Tor: “But mother, I did eight pages for last year’s symposium!”

Crunchy Parent: “Tor Sweetie, the footnote page at the end doesn’t count.”

Tor: “Of course mother.”

You get the idea.

*Cheetos and Tupperware are probably registered trademarks, please don’t sue me…

 

NEXT WEEK, ON THE CRUNCHY DUNGEON:

Turns out you had to pay her 10 kopecks to use the bathroom. Already, multiple things had gone wrong for me in this adventure…