No. 59 – The Consequences of Eating Processed Food

Before the ‘organic-revolution’ of our personal lives, I could eat pretty much anything. However I also experienced a number of regular gastrointestinal issues that my wife thought were abnormal.  I would expect that most husbands can relate…

WIFE: “OH MY WORD”

ME: “Oh? Sorry, yeah that was me.”

WIFE: “WHAT IS WRONG?”

ME: “Wrong…with what?”

WIFE: “Your INSIDES. Something is wrong inside.”

ME: “Well, I only ate dinner. Which you made.”

WIFE: “Don’t put this on me, something is wrong with you.”

There were actually tears at certain points, tears of a wife who didn’t fully comprehend what living with a man meant, a man who ate processed foods.  A man who probably narrowly avoided scurvy in college.

Now eating a diet largely devoid of processed foods, the gastrointestinal problems have gone away. You would think that this would make my wife happy, and in a certain sense it does.  However it also makes her, and I, more hyper aware when things are going terribly, terribly wrong with my “insides” as she calls them…

WIFE: Why? Why – (gasping for air) – is this happening??”

ME: “Well…could be those sausages…”

WIFE: “NO! Those are totally organic. (covering her mouth with hand)”

ME: “But they have spices in them, maybe the spices…”

WIFE: “NO! They’re natural spices, they shouldn’t be doing this to you, not to anyone, they’re natural!”

ME: “Well…I guess it could be that non-organic egg-salad sample I ate at the store…”

WIFE: “OH YES, that must be it. Not the sausages, the egg-sample.

ME: “They get you with those samples.

WIFE: “Yes, you have to be strong.”

ME: “For the both of us.”

WIFE: “Yes…but especially for me. There are consequences for ME.”

The worst is if this occurs while I am also doing a Vitamin C flush.

Marriage-threatening smells.

The moral of the story is, if this is an issue for you, stay away from processed foods.  Your body is telling you something. You and everyone around you. Bad things.

 

NEXT WEEK, ON THE CRUNCHY DUNGEON:

Tastes like soda AND good for you? Coke or Pepsi will have to get on this, once the government starts fat-taxing them. (It’s going to happen people, it’s just a matter of time).