A few weeks ago I had to listen to my wife explain to our ten year old daughter that she was going to be going to the acupuncturist. If you don’t know what that is, it’s a place you go to where they lay you on a table and stick you with needles.
My daughter was fully aware of what an acupuncturist was.
We are those kinds of parents.
DAUGHTER: “Hello Mother, how was your appointment with your new acupuncturist?”
MOTHER: “She was very nice, you’ll get to meet her next week when I take you in for your appointment.”
DAUGHTER: “Uh, what?”
MOTHER: “She does acupuncture for kids! Isn’t that cool?”
DAUGHTER: “Um, no! I don’t want to have needles poked into me!”
MOTHER: “Oh no, don’t worry Sweetie, she doesn’t use needles on kids.”
DAUGHTER: (immeasurably relieved) “Oh good! I thought I was going to have to have needles put all over, and I was like, no way I’m going to do that.”
MOTHER: “Yeah that would be a bit of a stretch for you, I know.”
DAUGHTER: (frowning) “Wait, so what DOES she do?”
MOTHER: (cheerfully) “She just uses lasers instead of needles.”
At this point my daughter’s face kind of showed that spinning color wheel that Mac users see when all available RAM is exhausted and the computer just sort of locks up. I don’t know what Windows users see. Used to be this hourglass thing. Or a blue screen.
Blue Screen of Death.
Anyway, needless to say, none of my children (all three had appointments) were very excited to hear they were going to be lasered the following week. To appreciate their trepidation, you may have to remember what it’s like to be a kid and what they think about when they think of lasers. Lasers are something that Megatron shoots at Optimus Prime when he wants to KILL HIM, which is like, all the time.
Lasers are bad / painful / deadly.
DAUGHTER: “Papa! Mother is taking me to be shot with lasers!”
FATHER: (reading something) “That’s nice Sweetie.”
DAUGHTER: “AHH! No it’s not, I don’t want to be lasered!!”
FATHER: (looking up from book) “Um…yes, well…(stealing a glance at Mother, who is staring at Father)…Mother knows best.”
The Moral of the Story:
Mothers + Lasers = Don’t get involved
Author’s Note – The children were fine (she only uses low-powered lasers).
NEXT WEEK, ON THE CRUNCHY DUNGEON:
It sounded reasonable, reasonable enough that I walked into the open garage of someone I’ve never met, opened their deep freezer, and took a couple bags of bagels. In my defense, they DID have an unusual amount of bagels in that deep freezer. If they didn’t own a bakery, they were certainly stealing from one.