No. 53 – Crunchy New Year’s Resolutions

1. Put more Butter in my Coffee

Last year I did the bulletproof coffee thing for a couple of months (before it was cool).  Need to get back on that horse. Basically you blend a couple of hunks of butter and a significant amount of coconut oil into your coffee. Ends up looking like a Guinness.

A breakfast Guinness.

2. Be Kinder to my Biome

My biome hates bread. HATES it. (See Paleo Diet post) Unfortunately, common breakfast foods are usually carb-heavy: French toast, pancakes, waffles, oatmeal, cold cereal, hot cereal, dutch-baby, crepes, toast, bagels, croissants, muffins, etc. My wife likes to make all these amazing breakfast stuffs and then I am faced with a terrible choice:

WIFE: “Pancakes?”

ME: “Um…”

WIFE: “With or without chocolate chips?”

ME: “Dang…um…”

WIFE: “Oh wait, I made you some with orange peal. You want the orange pancakes?”

ME: (whispering) “my favorite…”

WIFE: (waiting…)

ME: “Fine, yes I’ll have some orange pancakes!”

WIFE: “With or without chocolate chips?”

ME: “Wait, so there are FOUR variations to choose from here?”

WIFE: “Yes. Plain with or without chocolate chips, and orange with or without.”

ME: “I love you.”

WIFE: “I know.”

ME: “But I will hate you later…”

WIFE: (smiling) “I know.”

I need to learn to just say no to morning-carbs. Or eat less of them. 1/2 of one pancake, sandwiched between a protein shake and a bowl of yogurt…that’s the sweet spot.

AUTHOR’S NOTE – My wife tells me that there are often a whole lot less carbs in these than I would believe, subbing in almond meal, coconut flour, banana and egg instead of flour, etc., the usual crunchy substitutions that you don’t really want to know about (like in cases like this and this).

3. Switch my Afternoon Coffee to Green Tea

In addition to putting an immoral amount of butter and coconut oil into my morning coffee, I need to start having a couple of mugs of green tea in the afternoon instead of my usual 2nd cup of coffee.

If the Internet has anything to say about anything, it’s that green tea is basically the anti-aging miracle cure that’s staring all of us in the face. Yes, yes, there are some other obscure things out there that are supposedly more powerful than green tea, but no one cares about those.

No one.

Whereas organic green tea packets are readily available everywhere, you can get them at almost any grocery store.

Feel inspired? Start now! You can get them mailed your house in just 24 hours from Amazon and be drinking green tea by this time tomorrow, click here!

NEXT WEEK, ON THE CRUNCHY DUNGEON:

Being from Portland originally, we take extra pleasure in watching Portlandia. They just put season four out on Netflix and the very first sketch in the very first episode was priceless…