No. 52 – A Very Crunchy Christmas to All !

Merry Christmas! I’m a stickler for sticking to the schedule (and considering I’m writing this ahead of time) the fact that this is coming out Christmas Day is of no consequence to me. However I will acknowledge it by sharing a very Crunchy Christmas story.*

Far, far away (in Canada) on a snowy night, two people head out into the world in search of goodies to fill their children’s Christmas stockings…

ME: “Look! They’ve got fair-trade organic natural food coloring knock-off M&M’s! Those would be perfect for the children’s Christmas stockings.”

WIFE: “Hm…kind of sad. The colors aren’t very bright, kind of mud-colored…”

ME: “No, we are going to do this. We are going to get healthy snacks for the kids this year in their stockings.”

WIFE: (waffling)

ME: “We talked about this on the way over, no food-coloring!”

WIFE: “They’re not even in a candy-cane shape…it’s more of just a bag…”

ME: “Yes! A bio-degradable bag, not some lead-lined plastic shepherd’s crook of death from China!”

WIFE: “Hm…maybe if we get this we could still get them some of these red & green jellybeans!”

ME: “What? No, no food coloring. The red causes Tourettes Syndrome and the green causes bowel cancer! And no white refined sugar, that’ll jack with their insulin production enzymes. You remember that video you made me watch on YouTube?”

WIFE: (nodding, looking away at some other forbidden candy-object..)

ME: “Exactly. So no, we’re not going there. Besides, they have these perfectly fine, sort of wrinkly, sugar-cane jellybeans, sort of brown and pale. That’s a pale green, right? Festive? Like lime-green.

WIFE: “It’s yellow, pee yellow. And brown. NOT festive. I will NOT have my children eating potty-colors for Christmas. Insulin production be dam– darned.”

ME: (rubbing eyes) “FINE. We’ll get the jellybeans, but we’re getting the natural M&M’s or I’m going to sit in the car. I won’t participate in this.”

WIFE: “Perfect!” (hugging my arm) “See? It’s all about COMPROMISE. What’s good about avoiding cancer if you can’t live a little?”

ME: “Exactly” (as I put a six-pack of Mt. Dew into the cart)

WIFE: (Frowning, arm hugging is terminated)

ME: “Fine.” (putting Mt. Dew back) “What else are we putting in the the stocking?”

WIFE: “That’s it for that, now we’re onto Christmas dinner. We need to find an organic ham.”

ME: “I thought you said there was no such thing?”

WIFE: “Well yes, but we’re here so that you can see that that’s true, at least for North America, and than you’ll understand my need to order one from New Zealand.”

ME: “What?”

WIFE: “It’s a heritage breed. Not officially certified organic but non-GMO food sources, no cloned genes. It’s the closest.”

ME: “Oh my word, what did you pay for this?”

WIFE: “Enough that I knew you’d want to see we had no other choice, Sweetie!” (arm hugging resumes)

ME: (sucker for arm hugs) “Ah, fine. I don’t want to know. I love your meat–consciousness, even if it bankrupts us.”

WIFE: “And I love your willingness to look the other way.”

ME: “Merry Christmas, Wife.”

WIFE: “A very Merry Christmas to you, Husband.”

*A fictional dialog, cobbled together from real-life situations and conversations.

So very real-life.

 

NEXT WEEK, ON THE CRUNCHY DUNGEON:

Interlude #4!

Given that this was predominately a one-year project, now completed, the future of the Crunchy Dungeon can take a few different paths forward. I have some for-sure plans that I’ll discuss here, as well as some potentialities…