I’m a man of the beardy type, which means, among other manly things, that I need a real deodorant. In my unmarried pre-crunchy days, that meant using Old Spice Red Alert. It worked, and it was so aptly named, because everything else didn’t work and so this seemed to be crisis-level deodorant. Using it was fun, like mashing a giant red button to battle against body odors, my nemesis in talking to girls and securing a wife. And retaining said wife. And getting close enough to said wife that she may bear my children.
Deodorant was key to all of this happening on-schedule.
However along with the wife (and babies) came various changes to my life. Changes that meant I was no longer allowed to shop the ‘inner aisles’ of the grocery store.
New products were brought into my life, products that seem to revolve mostly around bees, flowers, and essential oils. What was so essential about these oils? I don’t know, but they must have been essential to something because suddenly they were everywhere.
AUTHOR’S NOTE – I was just informed by my wife, two days ago, at the time of this writing, that she had placed an essential oils kit of some magnitude onto her birthday / Christmas gift wish list. Apparently it allows you to mix and match your very own essential oils. Joy.
Anyway, the end result is that my armpits have spent several years in being something akin to Area 51. All sorts of wild experiments have been conducted there, to find something that was both ‘natural’ and ‘effective’, two conditions that God does not seem to allow for in this case.
After a short lived period of success with a combination of coconut oil and baking soda (applied in that sequence) which ultimately resulted in a series of fairly serious rashes, we have located a semi-natural compromise in a liquid form of those rock-crystal deodorants. It goes on much like a commercial Ban ball-roller deodorant, much like I grew up on as a child (my beard came in at 12, so yes, deodorizing from a young age, thanks for asking).
I am fairly happy with the current arrangement. It seems to work, though not nearly as exciting as RED ALERT, but as long as I’m still married, I suppose we can chalk this up as a win.
WORKS (but probably causes armpit cancer):
*Apparently they don’t sell Old Spice Red Alert anymore, probably due to being cancer-causing or something, but this new Bearglove thing looks so awesome.
Nothing like fighting odor with bears.
NEXT WEEK, ON THE CRUNCHY DUNGEON: