In the last year or so I’ve had to develop a set of rules and guidelines with regard to new food dishes that my wife presents to me. Usually if someone gives you something new to try, you’re obligated to ask what it’s in it. But I’ve learned that that is generally a bad idea now that my wife is experimenting with making foods that contain totally different kinds of ingredients than God intended. Like the chocolate brownies she made one time:
ME: YES! Brownies…Oh these are good! Munch munch.
WIFE: You like them?
ME: Oh yes!
ME: (less enthusiasm) Yes…why?
WIFE: Oh it’s just that there’s no chocolate in them at all, or flour, or sugar.
WIFE: Yep, made them out of beans.
ME: Oh… (disappointed) How…healthy.
You see, and this is what wives just don’t get sometimes, that knowing that something is made out of beans can kind of rob the joy out of eating a treat, even if it totally tastes like a real brownie, with sugar in it. And actual chocolate. The mind is a powerful thing, and pretty soon you’re pretty sure you can taste a sort of bean flavor, or the consistency is suddenly weird, or your stomach just doesn’t feel right. Ruins it.
But if I can remain ignorant AND healthy, that’s the happy place.
But that’s assuming that the treats are a success. The whole thing can go the other way as well. Like the time my wife made chocolate pudding out of avocados. I think she was reaching a bit…
It looked SO MUCH like real chocolate pudding, but then so does that fake stuff they whip up to do photo shoots for print ads. You can’t actually EAT that stuff.
The moment I put that first bite of ‘pudding’ in my mouth it was like I fell through a hole in space-time and woke up in another universe…a universe where chocolate pudding was some torture that they used on prisoners of war. It tasted so bad, but my eyes were sure that what I was eating was supposed to taste so good. I froze and that little colored spinning wheel of death popped up where my brain should have been (Microsoft Windows users can picture an hour glass dropping little pixels of sand).
It just didn’t compute.
I demanded to know what I had just eaten and my wife confessed the recipe. I banned the recipe from the home, “For the sake of the children…” I muttered to myself.
To this day I am a much more timid pudding eater. There are some things that you can’t untaste.
AUTHOR’S NOTE – Turns out that the recipe my wife had been given had accidentally had the ratio of avocados doubled (or so she claims). Note also that despite the title of this blog, I am NOT giving out information on how to make ‘pudding’ out of avocados. I consider withholding this information a public service.
Yes the title was entrapment.
NEXT WEEK, ON THE CRUNCHY DUNGEON:
And in order to avoid getting caught at this aspect of our travels, we had to invest in a new juicer. Our then current model was more standard in that it obliterated the veggies as you pressed them into the gaping hole at the top.