No. 25 – Why Sometimes it’s Better not to Ask

At one point my wife stopped telling me what she was putting into our food. This was a radical departure from the usual near-constant play-by-play of what’s in everything (see last week’s post). Any change in behavior in your wife should be a source of real concern, even if it’s a change for the better. Don’t just accept it, that’s the time to speak up.

Like, after some pressing she recently she confessed to putting raw eggs into our ‘family fruit smoothies.’

I enjoy them less now.

Strike what I said before, sometimes if your wife stops telling you stuff, it’s for a REASON.  Ignorance was bliss, dang it. Now I fear everything.

It probably didn’t help that when she confessed about the eggs she also said there was something “else” that was going into my food supply that I didn’t yet know about but that she didn’t want to tell me because “I wasn’t ready yet.”

(dramatic pause)

I told her I’m not sure that I’m ever going to be ready to hear about what she’s been doing…not if I plan to still like eating. It’s like the Pentagon around here, they only tell you about the airplanes and tech that they have that are old-news, the stuff they figure you can handle. They keep the really scary autopilot UFO killing machines under wraps for a reason.

Yes, my wife is slipping really scary autopilot UFO killing machines into my food supply (or at least their edible equivalent).

Probably it’s brains.  Or some kind of gross animal organ.

And/or it’s raw.

AUTHOR’S NOTE – My wife finally told me what she put in my food, I couldn’t bear not knowing anymore and finally got it out of her. Strangely, I can’t remember what she said it was no matter how hard I think about it…

Apparently I couldn’t stand knowing either.

In response to this situation I have developed some highly complex defense mechanisms:

WIFE: So I made muffins this morning…

ME: YES!  I love muffins.

WIFE: Well…when you get down to it I guess ‘muffins’ might me misleading…we had all these old vegetables that I had frozen just a day or two before going bad and I-

ME: lalalalalalalalalalala!

WIFE: -then I took those eggs we got at that roadside sh-

ME: LALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALA!

WIFE: -which fit with the bits that were leftover from the thanksgiving tur-*

ME: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

WIFE: -so yes, kinda like muffins, but so much healthier.

ME: (eating anti-muffin)

WIFE: ?

ME: Delicious.

*My wife wanted me to clarify that she does not make muffins out of turkey, or any other kind of meat.  Instead I think it  involves beans.  

Yes, the musical fruit.


NEXT WEEK, ON THE CRUNCHY DUNGEON:

Let me say a few things I don’t like about bee farms:

1. There are lots and lots of bees there.

2. Everything tastes like honey (I don’t like the taste of honey).

3. There are lots and lots of bees there.