Like, after some pressing she recently she confessed to putting raw eggs into our ‘family fruit smoothies.’
I enjoy them less now.
Strike what I said before, sometimes if your wife stops telling you stuff, it’s for a REASON. Ignorance was bliss, dang it. Now I fear everything.
It probably didn’t help that when she confessed about the eggs she also said there was something “else” that was going into my food supply that I didn’t yet know about but that she didn’t want to tell me because “I wasn’t ready yet.”
I told her I’m not sure that I’m ever going to be ready to hear about what she’s been doing…not if I plan to still like eating. It’s like the Pentagon around here, they only tell you about the airplanes and tech that they have that are old-news, the stuff they figure you can handle. They keep the really scary autopilot UFO killing machines under wraps for a reason.
Yes, my wife is slipping really scary autopilot UFO killing machines into my food supply (or at least their edible equivalent).
Probably it’s brains. Or some kind of gross animal organ.
And/or it’s raw.
AUTHOR’S NOTE – My wife finally told me what she put in my food, I couldn’t bear not knowing anymore and finally got it out of her. Strangely, I can’t remember what she said it was no matter how hard I think about it…
Apparently I couldn’t stand knowing either.
In response to this situation I have developed some highly complex defense mechanisms:
WIFE: So I made muffins this morning…
ME: YES! I love muffins.
WIFE: Well…when you get down to it I guess ‘muffins’ might me misleading…we had all these old vegetables that I had frozen just a day or two before going bad and I-
WIFE: -then I took those eggs we got at that roadside sh-
WIFE: -which fit with the bits that were leftover from the thanksgiving tur-*
WIFE: -so yes, kinda like muffins, but so much healthier.
ME: (eating anti-muffin)
*My wife wanted me to clarify that she does not make muffins out of turkey, or any other kind of meat. Instead I think it involves beans.
Yes, the musical fruit.
NEXT WEEK, ON THE CRUNCHY DUNGEON: