No. 24 – All New, Now Poison-Free !

I like to read in bed. Like at night, before I go to sleep. Often it’s for no other reason than to try to distract my mind from a project or whatever, something that is keeping my brain going, which in turn is keeping me from falling asleep. I read to calm my mind. However it is also at that time of day that my wife often has things she wants to discuss…things like the food she acquired that day at the store.

These are often less than calming discussions.

In many marriages, the wife enjoys recounting various shopping accomplishments to her husband, and some husbands listen. I am one of those husbands. But what makes our marriage special is that my wife doesn’t stop there. Usually once she’s detailed our new food acquisitions, she will often then begin reviewing the ingredient list of several of our new nutritional possessions.

Now you may think that listening to someone rattle off a list of ingredients could be as effective as counting sheep. But somehow with my wife, listings of ingredients are never boring.

Such as the night she was telling me all about this new Baking Powder she had found:

“It’s aluminum free!” she exclaimed (beaming).

At first I just nodded, rolled the words around in my head…

And then suddenly it hit me, and I was like, “What?! There was aluminum in our Baking Powder? In our bread?”

This was concerning to me because, at the time, I ate a lot of baked goods.

“Apparently…” my wife muttered, squinting at the packaging (no longer beaming).

I put my book down and thought in my head, “This is crazy. How many pounds of toxic aluminum have I ingested over the years?”

I did some quick mental calculations. The numbers were staggering.

And how flippantly the packaging states it! How would we react if it was some other toxic substance?

“All New Chips Ahoy Recipe, Now Mercury Free!”

“Try Our New Ground Coffee, Now with 50% less Arsenic!”

People would freak out, and rightly so. How many other products secretly have toxins in them? Toxins that they use alternative names for so we don’t notice them until they figure out a way to not include them and THEN announce that they’re ‘free’ of a substance? I’m perpetually afraid of my wife coming home with some new ‘free of this or that’ product that condemns my previous nutritional history.

Needless to say, in-bed ingredient discussions are now banned in our home.

 

NEXT WEEK, ON THE CRUNCHY DUNGEON:

It probably didn’t help that when she confessed about the eggs she also said there was something “else” that was going into my food supply that I didn’t yet know about but that she didn’t want to tell me because “I wasn’t ready yet.”

(dramatic pause)