No. 17 – The Gluten Free Diet, and the #1 Thing You Miss

At one point my wife decided that she wanted to try going gluten free for a month, “just to see what happens.” In particular I think we were worried about some behavioral issues with one of our kids, wondering if gluten was making them into a rage-ahol.

It was weird how it happened though. I remember first the discussion of the possibility of trying a gluten free diet for the children, then slowly it seemed to morph into something she was thinking about trying herself with them.

And then one day, we were all gluten free…

WIFE: “What are you doing?”

ME: “Uh, grabbing a beer?”

WIFE: (frowning) “But there’s gluten in beer!”

ME: (drinking) “…and now there’s gluten in me, so what?”

WIFE: “We’re trying to go gluten free this month!”

ME: “Since when?”

WIFE: “Since the beginning of the month! We talked about this!”

ME: ?Yes, we talked about the children going gluten free, and you seemed to slide yourself in there at one point, but never did we talk about ME going gluten free. That seems to have been assumed somewhere.”

WIFE: “…perhaps.”

ME: “Why, again, are we doing this?”

WIFE: “We’re DOING it to see if it impacts our HEALTH, at all, if it’s something that we’d like to make, you know, more permanent.”

ME: (seeing my beer fridge going the way of the buffalo)  “I’m uncomfortable with where this conversation is going. I’m still smarting from the day you suddenly ripped the Mt. Dew rug from under my feet.”

WIFE: “Oh there, there! Here, have a hug…” (hugging)

Long story short, I went gluten free with the fam for a month (I’m a sucker for hugs) and after a month of going gluten free, do you know what we learned?

Gluten is delicious.

Also it appears we do not have a gluten issue in our family. The kids didn’t act out any more or less than they usually did.

However I acted out more.

Forced to eat all sorts of gluten-free foods that only look like the foods they are trying to imitate. They do a good job on the visual front, but then the lies to your eyes make the taste and texture in your mouth all the more offensive. Apparently gluten has the magical power of making food amazing.

So I figure it’s one of those trades: Sure, maybe eating gluten is going to shorten my lifespan by 5-10 years, but would I even have the will to live those 5-10 extra years on a gluten-free diet? On a gluten free diet, I’m in serious danger of shorting my own life span any day of the week. Who knows what can happen during a gluten-free depressive episode?

I choose short & delicious.

But if you must… The G-Free Diet: A Gluten-Free Survival Guide

 

NEXT WEEK, ON THE CRUNCHY DUNGEON:

Back in college, before we were married and just in the dating phase of our relationship, I, totally on my own (not coerced in any way by my then-girlfriend / future wife) decided to try giving up dairy.

I think I read a book about how cow milk was unnatural for humans, and having had parents who both grew up on dairy farms, literally born and raised in the business of churning out bovine milk for human consumption, and having drank at least three glasses a day of milk for most of my natural life (powdered or otherwise), I was fascinated with the idea that perhaps I shouldn’t be drinking all that cow-stuff after all. Maybe that was the source of all my unhappiness and problems in life. Maybe giving up cows milk would be life-altering!

Well it was life-altering…