Caught up? Good.
So my wife tells me later after last week’s post that the onion treatment actually did seem to help a bit, but not so much that she didn’t also want to try ‘Ear-Candling’. She has a sort of Crunchy ‘Bucket List’ of things that she’s wants to try out, and ear candling was on there. This was her chance and she wasn’t going to pass it up.
I totally get this, because there’s something magical about the unknown possible effects that such things might have on your person and sense of well-being. For instance, I have always wanted to get a colonic ever since seeing Santa get one on the show Jackass.
Note that I didn’t originally choose to watch Jackass, I was in a class on youth culture back when Jackass, Brittany Spears, and all things MTV were on the rise. How strange to think that we didn’t discuss the Internet AT ALL in that class. Probably today youth culture classes ONLY talk about the Internet. But I digress…
If you don’t know what a colonic is, they run like 30 gallons of warm water through your colon.
Yes, it’s like an hour-long enema.
No, I have not yet tried it. I’m not even sure where you get one. But again, I digress, we’re talking about ear-candling.
Maybe you’re like me, ear-candling was one of those things I had heard about a million times and always sort of pictured someone making candles out of ear-wax. Am I alone on this? Is this not a logical leap of the imagination? Can you not picture your wife harvesting the excess ear wax of your many children in order to make candles? I totally can.
However upon further reflection, one must eventually realize that there is no amount of children’s ears that would produce enough wax to product even one candle. Even if the husband’s ears were harvested, still there wouldn’t be enough. So I was always left with a vagueness about what the whole ear candling thing involved.
Then one day I find myself holding a package of twisted hollow tubes of wax and being instructed to stick it in my wife’s ear and light it on fire (in the spirit of discovery). Again, playing Watson to her Holmes:
MS. HOLMES: “Steady hand there Watson, ‘Keep Calm’ and all that…”
WATSON: (holding lit match over face of detective-wife) “I’m not sure this is a good idea, I’m sort of fond of the way your face looks now”
MS. HOLMES: “Just light the candle John, for science!”
The two big questions out there on ear-candling are ‘Does it Work?’ and ‘Is it Safe?’
Having researched it a bit before agreeing to be a part of the procedure, I eventually came to a place where I felt like it was safe enough. There definitely were some scared people out there, but no one that I found that credibly presented injury from attempting ear-candling. That’s not to say that someone out there isn’t deaf in one ear from trying it and burning off their eardrum, I’m just saying I didn’t find that. Also I still think I would have resisted more on trying it out first on our kids, but my wife is an adult and it was a risk she was willing to take.
No injury resulted.
However, as to whether it works, I think the onion treatment received a higher rating of success than the ear-candling, in our case anyway. It just didn’t seem to do a lot.
Want to give it a shot yourself? For science? Learn more!*
*WE DISCLAIM ALL LIABILITY REGARDING ANY DAMAGES TO LIFE AND PROPERTY RESULTING FROM THE LIGHTING OF CANDLES IN YOUR EARS. LIGHT FIRES NEAR YOUR FACE AND THE FACES OF YOUR CHILDREN AT YOUR OWN RISK. POTENTIAL SIDE EFFECTS MAY INCLUDE LOSS OF HEARING, DISFIGUREMENT, AND HEARTLESS MOCKERY OF YOUR BURNS BY FORMER FRIENDS AND FAMILY. EAR CANDLES SHOULD NOT BE USED ON BIRTHDAY CAKES UNLESS YOU SCORE ‘CRAZY’ OR HIGHER ON THE HOW CRUNCHY ARE YOU? QUIZ.
NEXT WEEK, ON THE CRUNCHY DUNGEON: