Never mind that you’re there to see it.
Hands-down the most startling, was the evening I came to bed to find my wife attempting to treat an earache. I’ve been asked to help do all sorts of things but this one she had managed on her own, which made it all the worse because I was confronted with 100% of it all at once, versus warming up to the idea as I helped to implement it.
KEY MARRIAGE TIP – Have your husband help you with stuff, even if you don’t need him to. Especially if it significantly alters your physical appearance. Especially.
My wife had read that onions had the mystical ability to pull ear wax right out of your ears. Or maybe it was infections…or suffering?…something along those lines.
Onions make bad go away.
So there she was, sitting up in bed, innocently reading a book, like she didn’t have two halves of an onion cling-wrapped around her head. She looked like Princess Leia with a toothache.
Princess of a Vegetable Planet.
The cut onions may or may not have had the mystical ability to pull infections out of my wife’s ears but they definitely had the mystical ability to pull tears out of my eyes. Try reading in bed next to cut onions. Mystically, my wife’s eyes were fine (acclimated?) and she apologized for her appearance. Even she knew she looked strange, which was encouraging.
Also I believe I was eventually engaged in helping to remove the onion headdress, which was cathartic.
After all that the onions didn’t even work, but then I think for my wife it’s one of those “it’s not the end result, it’s the journey” kind of things. Like she just enjoys the experimentation…or more specifically the puzzle, the mystery, and the joy of triumphing over it (once in a while). She’s a female version of Sherlock Holmes.
Which I guess makes me like her very own John Watson…dang, that’s exactly how it is…
WATSON: “So the onions were rubbish. What now?”
MS. HOLMES: (Sigh) “Obviously the onions were rubbish, John, I knew they were going to be rubbish before I wrapped them to my head.”
WATSON: “Then why go through with it?”
MS. HOLMES: “Aside from the look on your face when you first walked in?”
MS. HOLMES: “Oh don’t be a bore Watson, I did it because I knew that you’d need easing into the real plan.”
WATSON: “Which would be?…”
MS. HOLMES: “Must I explain everything? Candles John, we’re going to use candles.”
NEXT WEEK, ON THE CRUNCHY DUNGEON: