No. 11 – Does Magnesium Help with Headaches? The Disturbing Truth.

Magnesium.

For me this substance has primarily represented a crucial element in the childhood (illegal) modification of fireworks. But for my wife it has been a key supplement in battling headaches. Apparently a magnesium deficiency can lead to some pretty bad headaches.

Also apparently it’s available in more than just pill form.

Recently on a road trip my wife starts moving to roll up my shorts to expose my thighs. (Note that this is while I’m driving on the highway.)

ME: What are you doing!?

WIFE: I’ve got this new magnesium spray, we need to spray your inner thighs.

ME: Oh. (vaguely disappointed)  Do we have to do this NOW?  While I’m driving?

WIFE: Well, I suppose not… (vaguely disappointed)

She then proceeded to spray her own thighs, and after a few moments remarked that it burned quite a bit. This whole exercise was perhaps even more distracting than the attempt on my own thighs. I’m not sure I looked at the road for a while. It’s a small miracle that we didn’t crash and burn in a bright, magnesium-fueled fire.

Our deaths would have been visible for miles.

Also I don’t have a problem with headaches, I’m perfectly OK with taking a handful of pills at breakfast, so I’m not sure why we even needed to try the spray on me. It’s not like my thighs even needed any magnesium.

I’m pretty sure the spray has now been relegated to that place in our home where things go after the “luster of newness” has worn off. Possibly it will sit there, unused, for years. And then one day I’ll complain of a headache, and my wife will “rediscover” our mag spray, years past the safe-use date, and give my thighs a healthy dose.  And months later, after humanity has regained a foothold, scientists will manage to trace the origins of the zombie apocalypse back to my thighs.

I will be infection patient zero.

Actually I don’t know if the magnesium has a safe-use date, but I do know that now, many months later, we are taking magnesium by the handful. My new (NEW!) doctor told me to take a particular kind of magnesium (there is more than one????) to help with blood pressure. And to do breathing exercises.

My wife promptly got me some hyper-absorbent liquid form of this thing and told me to carefully measure out 10mm of it every day.  Not being an auditory learner, and having to work this into my already complex regimen of natural treatments, I misheard her instructions and took it twice a day. Also due to laziness I just started taking a slug from the bottle by mouth in what I felt like (emotionally) were 10mm droughts.

Then the problems with my bowels started.

My wife and I have the kind of relationship where I am expected to regularly update her on the quality and substance of my bowel movements, as well as several other key bio-markers.

WIFE: How’s the consistency?

ME: Not good right now, I think there might be a problem with that liquid mag you have me drinking…

WIFE: Really?

ME: I just noticed that I was supposed to be refrigerating it this whole time, instead it’s been at the table so I remember to take it with meals, for like two weeks now.  I finally put it in the fridge but it’s probably too la-

WIFE: MEALS?  You were only supposed to take that once a day!  (goes to fridge to get out bottle, checks levels and does math in head)  HOW MUCH OF THIS HAVE YOU BEEN TAKING?

ME: Um…well a couple times a day for sure.

WIFE: (more calculating) You’ve had this for only two weeks and it’s almost ALL GONE, which means you’ve been taking FOUR-TIMES too much!  Have you been measuring?

ME: Well…kinda.  With my mouth.

WIFE: Well no wonder your bowels are in trouble, you’ve way overdosed on this!

ME: (sad) I think it’s too late for my colon.

WIFE: Well…not if you take these and these (new supplements), but ONLY TAKE THEM 12.5 minutes before meals, but not on an empty stomach, and only on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but not Thursdays you take that other thing for your blood pressure.  Got it?*

ME: I guess so.

The countdown to the zombie uprising has begun…

Seriously though, the Magnesium does seems to help with headaches, we now take it  (in pill form, screw the spray) and potentially I’m getting some help with my blood pressure as well.

Win-win!

*This paragraph may have been made up.

 

NEXT WEEK, ON THE CRUNCHY DUNGEON:

“…so there she was, sitting up in bed, innocently reading a book, like she didn’t have two halves of an onion cling-wrapped around her head…”