No. 7 – The Nourishing Traditions Cult

My wife picked up this book called Nourishing Traditions:

 

I could probably write a thousand posts on how this book has changed my life. Just the other day I found a crystal pitcher on the counter full of sliced pineapple rind in some sort of clear liquid. I asked my wife if it wouldn’t go bad if we left it out like that.

She said that is exactly what would happen.

And then she just smiled at me and moved on like there wasn’t a pitcher of pineapple rind going bad on the counter.

The next day I (and a house guest) were made to sniff the contents of the pitcher. It did not smell good, yet I suspected that I would eventually be, in some way, eating the contents of that pitcher.

I cannot, at the time of this writing, completely rule out that I have consumed portions of what was created in that pitcher.

More disturbingly, this book has somehow promoted the idea in our home that eating raw meat is good for you. Moreover, that eating raw animal organs is good for you. Let me throw down some examples so you know what I’m talking about:

Brains
Heart
Liver
BRAINS

I’ve made my wife promise that she will not try to sneak brains of any kind into my food…and as I think about it now…I cannot remember receiving a clear answer from her…which means I either received an unclear answer or a very clear answer that I did not like and that I blocked out from my memory.

I cannot, as of the time of this writing, completely rule out that I have eaten brains of some kind.

Most meals now I am deathly afraid of looking up to see my wife staring at me, waiting to see if I like it…with a look in her eye like she’s got a secret…a brains secret…

The premise of the book seems to be that if you leave your food out overnight or let is soak in some kind of brine or generally let things grow inside it, that when you eat that food, with all those things inside it, that you’ll be healthier.

Sounds crazy, I know, but I guess those little guys are good for us, or in some cases are able to make our food more edible. Apparently by “pre-chewing” our food for us they unleash nutrients that our digestive systems could never mine out on their own. It nourishes us better to eat this way, hence the nourishing in Nourishing Traditions?

Where does the ‘traditions’ element come in? The book proposes that humanity has spent a lot more time eating raw animal bits and letting their food sit around without modern refrigeration for most of history. Which makes sense because they didn’t have Kraft Dinner or deep freezes back then.

In fact it seems crazy, now that you think about it, how sterilized most of our food is. Cereal? Blasted to death into some kind of paste and then baked into nutritional uselessness…despite however many kinds of vitamins and minerals they sprinkle on afterward. That’s why they work so hard to make it sound healthy.

It’s like eating pinecones.

Now I’m not advocating that you unplug your fridge and let everything in there ‘ferment.’ That’ll probably kill you, because some things aren’t ready to ferment.  Things like Mayo.  You need to help some foods along, by pickling them in vinegar or whatever.

I’m pretty sure that’s what my wife had all that pineapple in.

Nor am I advocating that you all go out like a horde of zombies and start eating the brains and other organs of every living creature you run across. I’m sure there’s some sort of ground rules. Going organic on your brains is probably key. Pre-freezing them to kill harmful bacteria isn’t a bad idea either.  If you want to learn more read the book!

AUTHOR’S NOTE – There are GROUPS of these people meeting locally, my wife has actually gone to a meeting.  I think they sit in a circle around a pile of raw animal organs and chant, stuff like that. She may actually still be going to these meetings and just not telling me. I’d ask her but she’s out right now…

I cannot, as of the time of this writing, completely rule out that my wife is at one of these meetings RIGHT NOW.

 

NEXT WEEK, ON THE CRUNCHY DUNGEON:

“…I have never seen my wife so upset about a jar of goop.  I STILL compulsively check the oven to confirm it’s empty before I turn it on…”